The Weight of a Feather
by jmi
Summary: Finally finished! Dorothy opens her heart and pays a high price. Warnings: Angst & Death.
1. Part One

Why?  
  
Why would he do this? Is there some cruel, sadist lurking behind those aqua eyes and angelic smile?  
  
No... I know there's not. Though it may make me feel better to believe so. I think his gentle heart would shatter if he knew how much he's hurt me. Of course, it was all unintentional.  
  
After I escaped from Libra I was immediately taken in by the remaining heads of the Romafeller Foundation. They wanted me to take up the reigns and rebuild the foundation, make it the institution it once was. A daunting task considering how, under men like my grandfather, Romafeller had just run rough shod over Earth and space. But, I had never backed away from something difficult in my life. Besides, I had nothing else to do.  
  
Since I was four years old and came to live with my grandfather I had been working for the Foundation in one form or another. I was trained early to develop a photographic memory so I could wander through parties and memorize conversations I overheard. It's surprising how many people will actually ignore someone that falls below their line of sight. I uncovered many secrets for Romafeller that way.  
  
As I grew older, other duties became expected of me. I was taught all the normal social graces befitting someone of my family's status, but I was also taught darker uses for my charms and beauty. That such demands were placed on me at what some would say was a tender age, by my grandfather no less, was simply too much to bear.  
  
I truly believe that's when I shut down. I buried my heart, but for some cursed reason I kept on living. The only two people in all that time had come close to bringing it back; my dearest cousin Treize Khushrenada and our childhood friend Milliardo Peacecraft. Trieze understood the emotionally crushing demands of life within the Foundation, and Milliardo understood the pain of losing your parents to war. Kindred spirits you could call us. That was why I rushed to help them with their plan to bring about the end of war.   
Now they were both gone, my grandfather was dead (with a little help from me), and I was completely alone.   
  
That's how I felt right up to that night. It was another in a sting of mind-numbing balls celebrating the end of the war. As head of Romafeller it was expected for me to attend. I saw Miss Relena for a moment. We'd rarely spoken in the weeks following the Eve Wars. I really don't believe there was much to be said between us. I looked at all those other smiling faces. So polite when I was in front of them, cutting me to pieces as soon as they thought I was out of earshot. I just wanted to throw my head back and scream until my voice ceased. That's when I saw him.  
  
God, he still had that same caring expression. He can't be looking at me. No, he shouldn't care about me. I stabbed him for crying out loud. I retreated from that emotional aqua stare to one of the balconies. Of course he found me there. I couldn't believe it. He wanted to make sure that "I" was ok after the battle. Unbelievable. I tore into him of course as I had during our duel. To his credit he stood fast, taking everything I threw at him. When I was finally out of breath he smiled and asked if I felt better. You just can't win against this boy.  
  
We talked the rest of the night. He told me about his work with his family's company, the tasks he was involved in on the Mars terraforming project, and how he'd moved to Earth to centralize all his efforts. He smiled and said he'd heard of my new role with Romafeller and offered me any help the Winner Foundation could provide. Was it right then? Is that when it happened? Is that when I started to feel again?  
  
We started working closely together on several projects. We would meet for lunch, at each other's offices, and occasionally have dinner. At first I just concentrated on the work we were doing, but as time went on I found that I enjoyed just being in his company. To the casual observer Quatre Winner may seem shy and withdrawn, but he has and incredibly keen mind (and a surprisingly wicked little streak when it comes to pranks).  
  
The true extent of my feelings hit me, however, at a ball similar to the one where I met him again. I had come with an associate from Romafeller. He was an arrogant, pompous braggart like so many of the men there; and I realized I'd spent all evening thinking about Quatre. How this idiot just didn't measure up to him. Then I realized it. I.. I.. I loved him. God I remember sitting on my bed holding myself, just rocking trying to process that. I fell in love with him. I... could still love. My heart wasn't dead. I wanted to tell him right then. But no this was something I had to do in person. The very next morning I drove to his house. I stood at the gate and was about to press the buzzer when I saw him come out the front door. He.. he wasn't alone. I recognized the tall brunette boy beside him. He went by the alias Trowa Barton. I didn't think anything of it at first. I knew that he was close to all the other Gundam pilots. Then I saw him pull Quatre into a deep kiss. Yes my heart was alive, because it was shredding my soul to pieces.  
  
I don't know how I made it home that day. I also don't know how many days passed as I sat in my darkened room, curled in my blanket, a constant river of tears on my cheeks. The message light on my phone blinked furiously... calls from the Foundation, associates, and several calls from Quatre, each more concerned than the last. I couldn't talk to him. If I tried I know I wouldn't be able to hide my hurt from him.  
  
I sent the servants away this morning. A few resisted, afraid to leave their mistress in such a bereaved state; but I insisted. After they were gone I wrapped in a sheet and walked the grounds behind my house, not really focusing on were I was going. I wasn't surprised to see where I was when I finally looked up. The beautiful view of the sea from this cliff was one of the reasons my father had built our house here I was told.  
  
Now I stand here watching the water swirling far below my feet. Am I being punished? What have I done that is so horrible to be condemned like this? To be shown the wonders of my heart and learning to love again only to have it all snatched away. Is God truly this cruel?  
  
I watch my tears fall to the sea, drifting past a feather lost by a sea bird. I heard the ancient Egyptians believed that when you died, the gods weighed your soul against a divine feather to see if you were worthy of an afterlife. As I step towards the edge I wish there were such gods now to tell me...  
  
am I worthy? 


	2. Part Two

jmi: Ok... I had several requests for a sequel to "Weight of a Feather"  
  
Little Onna: Yeah they asked for it!  
  
jmi: You realize you're gonna get us both killed.  
  
Little Onna: Hey, I 'AM' an angst demon.. this is what I do!  
  
jmi: *sigh*  
_______________________________________________________  
DISCLAIMER: No.. I don't own Gundam Wing. Those are   
the "too content to make more episodes" people at   
Sotusu/Sunrise.  
  
WARNINGS: um....  
  
Little Onna: AANNNGGGGSSSSTTTT!!  
  
jmi: *unstops ears* Thank you.  
_______________________________________________________  
  
  
This ringing tone was picked specifically for it's annoying   
sound. I'm sure of it. I hung up the line when I heard the   
answering machine start again. It had been eight days since  
I'd spoken to her, and I was starting to worry. No one had   
heard from her since the Wayridge Ball; acquaintances, her   
staff, other members of the Foundation.... This wasn't  
like her at all. If anything could be said of Dorothy, she takes   
her responsibilities seriously. She wouldn't just disappear   
like this without a good reason.  
  
I paced the floor of my office quietly cursing the selfish   
reasons I had for trying to reach her to begin with. I wasn't   
looking for a shoulder to cry on per say, but just a friendly ear  
that would listen.  
  
Trowa was here a week ago exactly, and we had a long talk   
about us. I guess you could say we'd been together since   
just before he got his memories back. In the months since  
that last battle we'd been apart a lot, and I think we both   
came to the conclusion we were looking for something to   
hang on to during the war. Seeking comfort from someone   
else that understood what we were going through. Oh   
we're still close, he actually kissed me when he left. It's   
just a change in the intensity of our relationship I guess. I   
smacked myself mentally again. I wanted Dorothy to be a   
soundboard for my problems when now it was obvious she had   
some serious ones of her own.  
  
I couldn't stand it anymore. I called Rashid and had my car   
brought around. It wasn't very long before I'm tearing up the   
coast highway. I had an uneasiness growing inside my chest,   
and it was getting worse with each passing minute. I didn't   
know if it was related to Dorothy but I wasn't taking that   
chance.  
  
I pulled up to her family home in the early evening. The sun   
was hanging low on the sea, the shadows only accentuating   
the darkness of the house. I went up to the door and  
peered through the side windows. There was no one inside,   
and no one responded when I rang the doorbell.  
  
I was officially panicked now. I walked around the house   
looking for any signs that someone may have broken in. I   
lucked into finding the veranda doors wide open. I rushed   
through the house calling for Dorothy, but there was no   
answer. I think I must have taken the stairs to her room two   
at a time. I was so upset I didn't even bother to knock   
before I came in. The room was a mess. There was a tray   
with uneaten breakfast, some of her clothes laying about,   
and the bed was a twisted pile of blankets.   
  
I spied some letters on the small writing desk in the corner.   
I don't like to pry into other's privacy, but if I believe in my   
instincts this is an emergency. One is a letter to the  
Romafeller Foundation laying out her wishes on who should   
replace her. Replace her? What's going on? The next   
was a letter to Miss Relena apologizing for her actions in the  
Sanq Kingdom and asserting that her praises of Miss   
Relena during their time together were all from genuine   
respect. The last was addressed to me. I shook like a leaf   
as I read her words.   
  
//I'm so glad you've found happiness in this life Quatre.   
People with kind hearts such as yours should. Those like   
me, despite your assertions that I have a kind heart, are  
condemned to only a glimpse of true happiness and love.   
Please remember that any love I had to give will always   
looking over you and Mr. Barton.  
  
All my heart,  
Dorothy//  
  
Oh my god.... She.. loves me. How... how could I not have   
known this? I'm supposed to be the one that knows what   
everyone else is feeling! "...you and Mr. Barton"? Did she  
think that me and Trowa.... Oh Allah.  
  
I notice all of the curtains had been drawn except for one pair   
that was slightly opened. I rushed to the window and gaped   
at the sight. Not the view itself, the sea rolling past the  
edge of the cliff, a wave of red had caught my eye. A   
billowing fabric that suspiciously matched the colors on her   
bed.  
  
Allah be merciful....  
  
I don't really remember leaving the house. My next coherent   
thought I'm is sitting on the edge of this precipice gathering up   
the silk fabric to my chest. God it smells like her. That   
mixture of lavender and chamomile that I just associate with   
Dorothy. I'm doubling over with pain when I try to look over   
the edge. My tears are darkening the crimson fabric.  
  
I didn't know. Please forgive me Dorothy....  
  
I didn't know.   
______________________________________  
The end?.....  
  



	3. The Aftermath

Weight of a Feather

_**Weight of a Feather**_

Story by: jmi

Part Three

How long has it been now? Three months, plus an odd number of days? He still screams her name in his sleep. I truly thought the nightmares would have subsided by now, but they only seem to be getting worse.

I came back to Earth as soon as Heero called. The only specifics he would give me was that something had happened and Quatre needed me. It wasn't until I arrived that I learned what had occurred. Dorothy was dead. 

Quatre and Relena were both emotionally shattered. Thanks in large part to Heero's strong support Relena seems to have recovered. Quatre, however, continues to spiral further into himself, despite all my efforts to keep him with me. 

When I first saw him he was still clutching the red sheet he had found on the cliffs. He looked up after had I called his name a few times. We had gone through so much in the wars; the death of his father, his possession by the Zero System, our battle and my subsequent loss of memory, his duel with Dorothy; I had never seen such an emptiness in his eyes. It struck me so hard that I thought I may cry. Mumbled apologies and pleas for forgiveness were all he was able to say. 

In the days that followed rumors swirled around Dorothy's death. Had it been a suicide? Was it murder? The fact that her body was never recovered fueled stories that she had become disenchanted with Romafeller and faked her death to escape them. Once it had leaked that Quatre was the first person on the scene the tabloids ran stories insinuating that perhaps it was some fatal attraction or lover's quarrel that drove her over the edge. I did what I could to shield Quatre but I think that somehow he still heard of them. 

I finally realized I was in over my head just a week ago. Dorothy was finally declared deceased and her will was opened. Much of her substantial estate was left to various charities, but a shocking amount was left to the Winner Foundation and personally to Quatre. I had only been gone long enough to get some groceries. When I walked into the house I knew instantly something was wrong. 

I dropped all the bags in hands and ran to Quatre's room. Quatre was sitting on the edge of his bed, sobs wracking his thin frame. I can't recall now making any noise but he turned suddenly to me. I was.... afraid. I had never been so afraid in my life. In Quatre's trembling hands was a revolver.

"I.. I.. I failed her Trowa. I didn't see what was right in front of my face. I may as well have pushed her off that cliff with my own hands." 

It took me over an hour to talk the gun away from him. Once I had it he passed out from the sheer emotional exhaustion. I had no choice but to call Iria. She felt it was better for Quatre to be at home rather than a hospital, but I was beginning to have my doubts. 

Was that only a week ago. My god, it seems so much longer. I can feel my own body and soul starting to burn out from the effort of trying to keep Quatre together. I honestly didn't think there was anything left of my soul, but I sense it die a little more each day. Each time I look into those empty sea-green eyes, more of me follows him into that abyss. 

Is this what Dorothy had planned all along? Did she want to hurt Quatre like this? Some moments I allow myself to believe that. It gets me through the painful nights. In truth, I know she was just another soul destroyed by love.

Love.... Ideally it's supposed to be one of the highest and most noble of human emotions; something to be coveted and cherished. And it's something I've taken great measures to avoid in my life. I've seen the cost that love can extract from people, so I decided that I would not love. I broke that promise to myself twice. Now, I'm facing the consequences.

Did she know? In taking her life, did Dorothy know she would be taking two others with her? 

_**THE END**_


End file.
